“Chisel of Light,” A Poem Inspired by Healing
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Originally published June 2016.
A couple days ago, while sitting in a warm hot tub looking up at the brilliant blanket of stars that make up the remote Colorado sky, I had an unexpectedly extremely enlightening conversation about the existential void that is fundamental in human nature with my best friend and a stranger. The next morning, while sitting in silence thinking about the conversation from the night before and feeling nothing but the warmth of the sun’s rays hugging my skin, I had a vision of an ice sculpture that crafted not by a human artist, but by the sun. Naturally, I started writing about it, and when I picked up my pen from the paper, this poem stared back at me.
“Chisel of Light”
Sunlight falls
on an icy heart
and melts its walls
into Divine art.
Its rays, they chisel
into hardened stone
and break away
the lies outgrown.
And piece by piece
the excess leaves,
and as it jumps,
the heart, it screams
And pleads for it
to stay in tact
for once it is gone,
it will not
come back.
And yet,
If only
this heart could see
that this is not
a catastrophe,
For sometimes healing
feels like pain,
and being refined
is quite the same.
And now,
The last blocks fall
down with crashes
and reveal a sculpture
whose perfection flashes.
Alas, a shimmering swan emerges,
its wings still wet with dew.
It rubs its eyes and prepares for flight
to spring from winter
and start anew.
It could not take flight
if it weren’t for pain
of letting go
of hurt and shame,
For they weighed it down
and shut it inside
a cold jail cell,
a block of ice.
But now it is free
from the weight of the past
and can fly with ease
without fear of collapse.
Amidst the process
when the chisel is sharp,
we often resent it
and turn our hearts dark,
And block the light
that healing brings
to our hardened hearts
and to death’s cold sting.
Cheers to the Journey, and may your Spirit always reside in a state of wonder.
Why does it never get easier? The surrendering to not knowing. The surrendering to uncertainty. The giving in to the unknown. I've been practicing this my entire adult life in different contexts and situations, and somehow, every time I find myself in a season of significant uncertainty, here I go again having to learn how to surrender to it.
It feels like my experience in the float tank last week before my surgery. Peter gifted me my first experience in a sensory deprivation float tank as a way to relax before my surgery. I didn't know what to expect beyond the likely relief I would feel by not having to listen to anything but my own heartbeat for an hour, not having to engage with the outside world for a second…
I’ve had a few different meaningful conversations about depression this week with humans I love, and then On Being with Krista Tippett released some amazing interview archives on the topic of depression, which I devoured. My reflection from both of those things led to me writing some of my own language about what it feels like for me to experience depression in different seasons of my life. Depression, like many aspects of the human experience can only be pointed to with words. Words are never enough, but they’re at least a step toward naming what cannot fully be names, and that, I believe, is enough.
I wrote this poem on a particularly hard day of managing Seasonal Affective Disorder a few weeks ago. It is month 3 of 5 of the coldest and darkest months in the mountains, and I’m feeling it.
In case you didn’t read my last post, I spoke about a morning meditation that I have incorporated into my practice which has made a world of difference for me during this pandemic. It grounds me when I don’t know what to do with all of the endless possibilities and outcomes of what reality is now. It orients me toward hope when news headlines fill me with despair. It opens me up so that I have more room inside of myself to welcome and embrace this new and most unexpected reality that we find ourselves in. It reminds me to let go of yesterday, and to not worry so much about tomorrow, for today is all we have.
I wanted to make a post more explicitly about the meditation and provide some extra pandemic-specific reflections you can incorporate into each section as you read, meditate, contemplate, or pray through it.
In the midst of the most uncertain and confusing and challenging and chaotic time many of us around the entire world have ever experienced, I find myself reminded over and over again of the importance of ritual, of ceremony, of routines that we perform intentionally in order to name our emotions and orient ourselves around the values that keep us grounded in the midst of this roller coaster of emotion we didn’t ask to be on but are suddenly strapped into.
I’ve had a few different meaningful conversations about depression this week with humans I love, and then On Being with Krista Tippett released some amazing interview archives on the topic of depression, which I devoured. My reflection from both of those things led to me writing some of my own language about what it feels like for me to experience depression in different seasons of my life. Depression, like many aspects of the human experience can only be pointed to with words. Words are never enough, but they’re at least a step toward naming what cannot fully be names, and that, I believe, is enough.
I wrote this poem on a particularly hard day of managing Seasonal Affective Disorder a few weeks ago. It is month 3 of 5 of the coldest and darkest months in the mountains, and I’m feeling it.
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