Originally published June 2016.

It is time.

Forgive the extremely grammatically incorrect paragraphs that follow, for today’s travel plans went nothing as expected, per usual, so I am left with speak texting this into my small little rectangle of technology that blows my mind when I think about it too hard.

Anyway, to the things you care about.

The next three weeks of my life will be spent traveling the insane terrain of Iceland. I have already accepted the fact that my mind will rest in a constant state of being blown for the next 21 days. But it is also time to face myself, without any distractions to divert my attention from my real, unedited thoughts…

I still feel disconnected from myself, from God. I have spent hours upon hours over the past couple of months reading about Religion, spiritually, psychology, listening to podcasts, thinking, creating potential “beliefs” only to decide they still don’t work and then tear them down again.

But my whole experience these past couple of months has been so objective.

I can look at the words or hear that perfect description that uses the exact language to tell of what is going on inside of me, but I only hold it for a second and then it flies away again, only affecting me while I have direct contact with it and then becoming forgotten or detached one the thought or idea is no longer what fills that small space in my hands.

I feel like I have been uprooted, a small, fragile seedling that just poked its head out of the ground but emerged in the midst of a tornado and was plucked from its foundation, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing while you’re flying through the air because, well, you’re flying, but the wind is going to eventually die down, and I’m scared that my roots are going to dry up before I can get them in a good pot with some water and good soil again…

I have been reading a book that has made me become more aware of the fact that I have lost almost all subjectivity in my spiritual life. God has become little more than an idea in my mind, a convenient way of explaining my perception of reality. God has become more of a distant myth that objectively brings meaning and light into pain in darkness and less of a tangible being/source/energy that I have with in my soul that guides me And teaches me and moves my spirit.

Reading about the discipline and devotion of the people at an ashram in India who spend hours every day in silence and meditation made me realize how little discipline and devotion I have in my own spiritual life. Any concept of consistent spiritual practice in my life is fairly nonexistent. I rarely intentionally pray, I never meditate, I rarely write, I listen to podcasts and read books but never take the time to process them or try to apply their ideas and concepts to my life.

Yet I question why I feel out of balance…

I look at other people and my ego automatically points out the idols that they use to fill their voids, and I look at my life and think that I’m doing pretty well. I mean sure I don’t really know what I believe, and I find myself morphing to fit and line up with almost any idea that I come across, “but at least I’m searching, right?” My ego uses my extensive “searching” to build itself up into this superior, spiritual, intellectual being that chooses to listen to a two hour podcast instead of binge watching The Office, that chooses to spend my evenings deciphering the density of Jungian psychology instead of scrolling through Instagram, that chooses to go for a walk in the woods by myself on a Friday night instead of going to the bar with my friends…

Where do our haughty Egos get these terribly distracting thoughts from?

What good does any of this do if I don’t let these moments change me? When I use the two hour podcast to convince myself that I know where my beliefs are heading, when I use the Jungian analyst lecture to convince myself that I am examined and self-aware when I have still only broken through the surface of discovering my true self, when I use the silent walk in the woods to convince myself that I’m at peace when in reality doubt still lingers behind me, nipping at my heels, taunting me with it’s been all your questions…

“But is God even real?
Can’t this be scientifically explained?
Is unconditional love actually a myth?
Is this all there is?
Am I wasting my time?
Will there ever be clarity, or will I always need to find Reston ambiguity?
Is there truth to even be found?
Is there a middle ground with in our dualistic world?
Will I ever feel hole?
Will I ever truly find God and be content with what I find?”

The list goes on for miles, and I don’t know if the fact that I can’t see the end or find the source is a good thing or a bad one. I want to believe that it is good, that there is value in the midst of all of this chaos and confusion.

I have been trying to nail down a vision for an intention to bring into the space of this trip. I say intention because I do not wish to bring any aspect of the pressure and expectation with me to Iceland, something I am guilty of too often when it comes to entering a new experience.

I think the on this trip, I intend to come back with my ego a little smaller, my true self a little bigger, my understanding of God a little broader, with the beginnings of a rejuvenated, intentional, disciplined spiritual practice where I search, not passively like I have been doing, but actively,

in constant pursuit of the divine

in every breath, every heartbeat, every tear shed, every laugh shared, every prayer exclaimed, every doubt admitted, every love given, every love received, every success, every failure, every ounce of pain, every shower of joy, every calm day, every storm, every tree planted and uprooted, every smile, every frown, every blessing, every curse, every fear, every dream,

In every second that I have on this intake insane tiny blue dot,

hurling 7+ billion even tinier dots of biological mass, with hearts and minds and souls that have feelings and thoughts and beliefs that transcend all rational explanation, through an ever – expanding universe with its 96% of dark matter and quarks and subatomic particles that travel from point A to point B without having traveled the distance in between, where anything and everything is somehow made up of the same atoms,

In every second spent exploring the depths of my own consciousness, crying with a friend, dreaming about a better world, planting a new seed in fresh earth, running barefoot through open fields, jumping across streams, climbing of mountains, dancing with a stranger, telling stories around a fire, laying on a soft blanket under a blanket of stars, feeling the warmth of summer, enduring the chill of winter, singing at the top of my lungs, whispering in the quiet of a peaceful morning, watching the sunrise over a smooth ocean horizon, watching the rain fall down on Rocky summits, picking wildflowers, painting silhouettes at sunset, supporting a friend in crisis, meeting someone else and their joy and in their pain, fishing in cool mountain streams, hiking to a daunting Summit, traveling to a new place, screaming in excitement, in anger, in joy,

in every second taking part in the greater story that is being told beyond the walls of my own heart,

In every
Single
Second
I want to be in constant acknowledgment of the reverence hummung inside of me that tells of truth, a divine that resides in me and around me and in you and every Atom in this insane universe, that shows me that there is always a metaphor to be found,

and in the wise words of my main man Rob Bell,

that everything is spiritual.

From my experience over the past two years, I have come to understand that the best way to kill the Ego and rid yourself of pain and darkness is to expose it. And the best way to reconnect with the Divinity within you and around you, is to live in constant pursuit of the God that your mind cannot make sense of, and to go about that search actively.

So cheers to doing just that over the next three weeks.

Cheers to the journey, and may you, and I, always live in a constant state of wonder of this incredible life that we have been given.

See ya in July!